To be the fullness of who we are

Essie Richards on measuring success by how much we love and accept ourselves, how much compassion and connection we have.

I still have so many questions about what success is, what it means, whether it matters, why we might want it, and how it could look. So I am asking other people for their perspectives and experiences on this many layered topic. This week we have the joyous chance to hear from Essie Richards.

Essie is a thoughtful and gentle guide, offering many possibilities for learning and returning to ourselves. I have learned so much from Essie as the facilitator for the Unschooling Circle that I have been part of for a few years. She also leads an Agile Learning Center for neurodivergent kids who choose not to or are unable to attend school due to mental health, disability, or trauma. And Essie works one on one with kids, women, and partners who need support moving through the things that keep them from being able to express the fullness of who they are. Essie is an amazing cheerleader and celebrator of others’ experiences as well as a beautiful example of how to move in your own sweet time, trust that you have what you need, and choose the way that works for you.

I am so happy to share Essie’s perspective on success which centers around honoring and encouraging her own needs and experiences.

I’ve learned so much from unschooling and a lot of that has actually been unlearning many of the conventional ideas about life, but I still find it hard to escape our culture’s ideas of what success can and should be. My understanding of your work is that so much of it is about healing, support, and acceptance of ourselves and our children to be our fullest selves. I’m curious about whether or how you think about success and if these ideas have changed as you’ve explored neurodivergence, unschooling, and healing?

I think about success in terms of do I, or those around, me have what they need in order to feel supported and to thrive in the season they’re currently in? I think about it as a measure of how much I can feel in my body love for myself, connection with others and connection with all living beings. And how much I can accept my current being-ness.

I measure it in terms of how much compassion I can offer myself and others, and how much I can care for myself whatever the result of that litmus test is. This has absolutely changed over the years and continues to do so, it seems to widen and deepen and soften the more I accept and understand myself, the more I can love and care for myself.

When there are so many messages about what success is and how we should get there, I am wondering how you approach creating a life you love?

I am realistic and aware of how many messages we receive on a continual basis about success according to capitalism and other systems of oppression. This consciousness widens with time and continues to evolve all the time.

This awareness creates some distance from them and their pressure — this is a practice, and how I’m affected fluctuates depending on whatever else is going on in my life and the world.

I am clear about my values. My neurobiology allows me to see where I’m aligned and where there’s work to be done. This is cyclical and as my capacity increases I am able to peer into new pieces that surface, calling my attention to align more and move through that which keeps me from fully embodying all I feel is valuable and what I can offer to self and others.

In what ways do you believe your life is successful, valuable, worthy even, or especially, if it looks nothing like what our culture says is successful?

For me, loving connection with self, which includes acceptance, care and attention is my measure. This then directly shows up in how I relate to all living beings which is another way to measure this.

And then how I care for where I fall short — with grace and compassion to self and others. Along with a commitment to authenticity, repair, and overcoming perfectionism and other traits of whiteness.

What makes it hard for you to believe in your success or to celebrate who you are, where you are, or what you are doing?

In short — my nervous system and my neurobiology. It’s part of my practice — I see it as vital to being present and rooted. Or else we are always looking forward and around us, or at other folk, rather than recognizing this moment.

I really appreciate the many gentle and strong ways that you offer support for women to feel more resourced and able to champion themselves and each other. Do you have any thoughts or ideas about how we can do more to believe that we are enough and we are worthy as we find our own paths to success?

Thank you, Anna. I think it’s super helpful to have our own tickboxes of what success means to us — to get really clear about what these are — and when we move towards those things recognise, celebrate yourself and in community.

It’s also super important to know we are worthy right now in this moment just as we are — not when we get somewhere, that’s extra. We can do this by caring for all the parts of us that don’t feel and know this — we may need support with this and that’s okay, we deserve that too.

And then we move from this place of “I am already just the right amount — I am worthy of love and acceptance just as I am — I am worthy of love not because of what I do and achieve or produce — but just because I am a living being.” When we know this in our bones, then we can express the fullness of who we are as individuals (and sometimes doing this helps us to identify these parts so we don’t have to wait to do this bit!). And this is success —this is our part in the ecosystem — this is what we are designed for — to be the fullness of who we are. This is the ultimate success in my opinion.

If you’d like to share, I’d love to hear about something you are proud of that you wish the world would recognize, appreciate, and celebrate?

I am proud of folk asking for support when it feels impossible and hopeless and everything and everybody has let them down and yet they use their last speck of hope on continuing to try. That deserves celebrating.

And something you are proud of or feel successful at that is just for you?

I feel blown away at how I managed to break free from a prison of suffering and torment by sheer grit and determination and an intolerance for not getting the right help until I did!

I also recognise the enormous privilege I have in being able to hang in there and receive the support I had. Being free is a big celebration to me and the widening and the deepening of this freedom and the desire to include as many as I can in this feels like a true expression of who I am and what I’ve been given — so that also feels wonderful — to breathe and widen my wings at times — that feels like success.

Thank you so much for sharing, Essie!

You can find more of Essie’s work at her website or instagram.