Choose, appreciate, and value

Finding fulfillment in the things we do can make it feel more valuable for us, and believing in our own value is essential to success.

This is the time of year when there is a constant pull for me to be out in my garden. It will never not need weeding but right now there are areas that the sorrel and wild strawberries are beginning to cover and I want to make room for the speedwell, irises, bee balm, columbine, asters, and yarrow so they can flourish, too. I love to walk around and look at my perennials, appreciate the fruit and vegetables I will harvest, and I am happy to have created habitat for birds, insects, and frogs. And yet, I still often wonder, why am I doing this?

While I find it immensely satisfying, my garden doesn’t significantly offset our grocery bill or yield enough to eat year round. Dedication to a creative pursuit that requires time, effort, energy, and maybe some sort of finished product can feel insignificant when it doesn’t result in financial gain, notoriety, or another marker of conventional success. The pressure to be or feel productive may be why so many people try turning their hobbies into side hustles or small businesses.

But there are valuable gains that can’t be measured in numbers. Working in my garden is a challenging and fulfilling way to connect with the physical spaces around me and interact with the environment where I live. Writing is a way that I process my experiences and observations and interact with the world in a less physical, more thoughtful way. It is a puzzle and a craft that I share with you because I want to connect and reach people with my words, and to join other writers who do this, too.

Turning away from conventional external measures of success reminds me that I am more drawn to and interested in feeling fulfilled. Fulfillment goes beyond external success to something deeper that is heart swelling and soul satisfying. Unlike success, I believe fulfillment can only be measured by how a practice, experience or way of living makes me feel. Instead of thinking about what I should do or what others might see, I can focus on what I value and enjoy.

I can use valuable time and energy to plant seeds, harvest herbs, write and consider words, even if there is no big return on my investment. It seems obvious, right? But living in a time when the internet makes it possible to monetize anything, and hard to avoid seeing many others doing it, it is easy to feel like your creative work needs to be a commodity and that your work should be acknowledged and valued by others. Whether or not we are productive or successful, finding fulfillment in the things we do can make it feel more valuable for us, and believing in our own value is essential to success.

In her book, We Need Your Art, Amie McNee writes, “We nearly always have a superior we defer to for permission. As children we needed parental approval. In our schools we had teachers. So it’s not surprising that in our creative life, many of us want someone to tell us that, yes, we are valid, yes we are allowed.” For better or worse, we are the only ones who can really give ourselves permission and validation to enjoy and feel fulfilled by the way we spend our time, to set aside doubts and self deprecation and sometimes know that we are enough.

In her essay, I braved a shame attack, Katherine North writes about wanting validation from an institution for her work as a writer and the complicated feelings that can arise when that doesn’t happen. As she explores how to feel her own worth, she decides

To delight in my own life no matter what anyone else thinks of it. To approve of myself even though no agent will have me. To value my humanity and the humanity of those around me. To make my art even if it never goes viral. To witness what a symbiotic creature we are, we humans, entwined with this wild earth we live on, loving and transforming each other. This is worthy. This is worth doing. This is worth being proud of.

As an outside observer I deeply appreciate this list and I can feel the heart swelling belief that comes from choosing herself and a life of beauty and meaning that might not be popular or marketable. I couldn’t ask for more than to, most of the time, feel fully satisfied with things right here right now.

In practice, these beliefs and choices take constant tending, checking in, reinforcing. For some, it may be as easy as proclaiming that they will value themselves and their lives just as they are, for others it may be a long term practice of choosing, appreciating, and valuing what they have to offer even when they only feel good about a few crumbs. We think that achieving success requires grit, tenacity, determination, and commitment but these are even more essential when we prioritize fulfillment. We are going to be derailed, to get lost, to fall behind, but we can choose to keep going, to hold on tight as doubt and uncertainty shake us.

Trying to understand what defines fulfillment, I came across this quote from a website about stoic philosophy, “True personal fulfillment resides not in attaining external goals but in the excellence of the process itself.” Our lives, our activities, our knowledge and understanding are always in process. Excellence as an end may seem very far away, but an excellent process involves trying, learning, trying again, unlearning, improving, flowing, trying again. If the process is what matters most, can we remember to believe in and support ourselves, so we can glimpse fulfillment as we go?

It is too much to ask for the whole process to be fulfilling, we can’t escape the grief that comes from unmet expectations, living and relating to others, and all the things that go badly or don’t work out. It might require letting go of some of the mistakes and disappointments, zooming out so you can see the whole beautiful garden instead of all the weeds.

Fulfillment can arise in the small satisfactions as well, like the one week of the summer when the lupines and the chives are blooming, bringing purple beauty to the strawberry bed for a few days. The moment when I race to record a sentence that reveals an idea I’ve been trying to articulate before it vanishes from my brain. Pausing to feel that fleeting moment of contentment before it fades away.

Does fulfillment matter to you? What helps you find it?

Warmly,

Anna