What I'm unlearning
Three of many many things I am rethinking and trying to approach differently
I keep wanting everyone to know and be reminded that we don’t have to stick with the ideas that we’ve inherited or that experts recommend or the things that seem like what perfect people are doing. I’ve been given the challenge of stumbling around to find ways that work (more or less) for my family instead of continuing to try things that work wonderfully for other people but aren’t right for us. Being open to different ways of parenting and living is followed by a lot of unlearning and relearning, letting go of the things I thought were right and finding my way to something that works better.
For me, unlearning is a continuing process without absolute answers, which can feel quite scary. Perhaps unlearning is inherently doubtful I am sure I will need to do it again and again. I wobble a lot, especially when I hear from “experts” who can be really supportive around different approaches supporting kids but who will always add, but we can’t do it — screens, food, staying home, whatever it may be — without any limits. Unlearning, for me, means that I’m doing my best to prioritize what works for my family rather than drawing lines that can’t be crossed or trying to prove that I’m a sturdy leader.
Before I give you some detail about just three of the many things I’m unlearning, I want to acknowledge that choosing to move away from the mainstream approach is undoubtedly a privilege. White privilege means my kids are much less likely to be arrested or shot for behaving differently; financial privilege means we can accommodate food needs, offer different screen options and have time to contemplate and consider this approach (and these systems that privilege some but not all are probably the most important things to unlearn and work towards dismantling).
I believe when we open our minds to different possibilities of ways to live and approach the world, it can help all of us to find more freedom, safety, and accommodation. If we don’t speak up about the things we are unlearning or allow others to voice theirs, we aren’t making space for new possibilities and for places that allow everyone to feel safe to be who they are.
Three of the many things I am unlearning:
1. I thought healthy food eaten at the table was best.
I wanted my kids to eat everything, to try a bite even if they didn’t want to eat it, to stick to the division of responsibility. I thought I should limit processed food and sweets. For a while this worked, then it didn’t but I kept trying. It got really messy (literally) and I gradually shifted and let it go.
Now I do my best to make sure everyone has something they want to eat at a meal. I don’t focus on to how many vegetables I serve or whether the meals are especially balanced. I try to let go of most rules and make sure we can all sit down (or stand near the table) to a plate of food that works. Sometimes this means we let go of eating at the table. Sometimes this means making another meal or bowl of food on the fly, which is not always enjoyable for me, but better for my family than giving no option other than compliance. I’m not always graceful or delighted, but I do my best to accommodate and meet the needs of people who need to eat.
I love to cook and grow food in my garden and at times have immersed myself in the ideas of the slow food/real food movement. In the past, I have believed that what kids eat and where food comes from might be more important that eating whatever food is accessible.
It is easy to think that what we know and have experienced for ourselves will work for others but now I know that is not the case and I’m grateful I’ve been able to take a more expansive view.
I have found it helpful to get more information and guidance in this process and a couple of resources that have been supportive to me are: Burnt Toast and Can I have another snack?
2. I believed politeness and good behavior were what good parents valued and taught.
Do I want kids who are kind, courteous, and helpful? Absolutely.
Can I achieve this by constantly reminding, repeating, demanding, telling them again and again or setting a limit that we can’t do something unless they comply. No.
Many adults expect kids to follow the rules of manners and those who do are praised for their goodness. It feels like an accomplishment to have kids who do the polite things and say the good words. But I know from my own experience that focusing on saying the right words and behaving in the appropriate, safe, comfortable way, can actually get in the way of honest, meaningful relationships.
Often we expect kids to follow the rules of well mannered social interactions, while adults don’t always behave with perfect standards and we don’t ask them for the magic word before handing them a cookie. I don’t often ask my kids to say please or thank you and they do remember to use those words some of the time. When they feel excited to see someone, they will greet them enthusiastically. I get that we want kids to learn the best practices so that they can safely find their way in the world, and
I want to give my kids space to feel comfortable with many different interactions without the pressure of performing politeness all the time.
I have found it helpful to get more information and guidance in this process and both Fran Liberatore and Eloise Rickman have helped me to learn about consent and understand more about adultism.
3. For much of my life I have valued pages of a book, a handwritten letter, a sunset, getting outside over screens.
(I know screens are used for many different things, all screen based activities are not equal and they serve different needs, but I am skipping nuance and lumping them all together here. My kids are not on social media, except for watching YouTube, so I haven’t needed to navigate that challenge yet.)
As I’ve explored more ideas around kid’s screen use, I’ve been thinking about how much I love to stare at the pages of a book for hours at a time. I am deeply satisfied letting the words move through me and giving freedom to my imagination. Sometimes I prioritize reading over other activities I want to do and my desire to read a lot of books means I might have less time for other things. I am captivated by books like my kids are captivated by Tears of the Kingdom and Stardew Valley. Perhaps there are differences between these human inventions used for leisure and learning, but I’m not sure if one needs to be lauded and the other vilified.
I thought I would raise my kids with minimal screen time and yet I have found more peace and freedom in letting go of rules and expectations for the way that I parent. My kids spend lots of time playing Minecraft and Mario Kart, watching Muppet Babies, Inbestigators, and YouTube. We are always figuring out how to use and enjoy screens in ways that work for us and trying hard to find other activities that are meaningful and satisfying as well.
Dropping screen limits has removed a lot of strife from our home, made room for more connection and less frustration.
I have found it helpful to get more information and guidance in this process. I found this class from Lucy Aitkenread really helpful as I tried to accept and appreciate screens more. I learned a lot about dropping demands (screens included) from Amanda Diekman. I also found most of this conversation really supportive.
A lot of my unlearning is simply working through my own feelings, experiences, and all of society’s rules that I’ve carried for so long.
Unlearning is often letting go of expectations, of ideas of how things might be, even of hopes and dreams. It can be tangled up in the grief that comes from this letting go and the loss of what we thought we might have.
As I share some of my unlearning process, I am still groping around for clarity in the the dark, wondering if I’m going the right way. This is what works for us for now and I’m sure it will change but I’m grateful for the sometimes slow and painful shedding of the things that aren’t working for me and trying to grow better.
With all of our different experiences some of you may find my areas of unlearning to be as easy as ABC, or you might be shaking your head thinking you would never. I know I have many more things that are part of my on going unlearning process and I’m curious to hear about what you might be unlearning if you’d like to share.
Warmly,
Anna