Most mornings I wake before it is light but prefer to stay under my very warm duvet for as long as possible. I know many mothers and writers who take time early in the morning to do a lot of their creative work and there have been times when I have joined them but recently the need for rest and time without any demands has felt more desirable, so I don’t force myself to leave the cozy comfort of my bed.
I have found that pushing myself to do the things I want to do or think I should do, doesn’t work as well as paying attention to what I feel and need. I do my best to trust that I will move in the direction that I want to go but it can be hard to quiet the messages that tell us we won’t achieve or succeed if we don’t push ourselves and work harder and do more. We have to do assignments and write papers and show our work. We have to consult with experts and do this one thing that will get great results. We have to set alarms and goals and push ourselves or we will never be the fully actualized and optimized humans that we should be.
We want kids to grow up to be leaders, to believe in themselves, and fight for the things they care about but we pull them away from trusting themselves because we hope, expect, or demand that they will comply. We fear that if we don’t coerce them to do math problems or eat vegetables, they’ll never learn. I know how hard and exhausting it can be to have kids who don’t easily meet expectations but it is a potential opportunity to look more closely at what is actually necessary and to collaborate instead of dictate. So often, ideas about raising children focus more on boundaries, expectations, and control rather than the ways they can learn to trust themselves while they have the safety and support of caring adults.
The ongoing practice of deepening trust with my kids has allowed me to learn how to trust myself better. For me, learning to trust is a practice of moving away from control and rules and toward knowing that I will do what I need to when I’m ready. Trust is paying attention, responding to needs and feelings over ideas and expectations. Trust is getting to know what works for you and not forcing yourself into a system or routine that doesn’t feel right or isn’t realistic. Trust is knowing that you can let go and do less and you will eventually return to the things that matter most.
I have been hesitant to write about my experiences practicing trust because I am privileged to live a safe and secure life and I still struggle with doubts and uncertainty. But I have started trusting in small ways to move toward knowing my capacity, giving myself time and space to rest and feel ready, and letting go of the things that don’t matter as much right now. For years I wanted to write more and instead of setting a goal that was hard to stick to, I gradually allowed myself to trust that the time would come when I was ready and able to write regularly. At first it may seem like a wobbly uncertain approach to life, but deepening trust in yourself can help create a solid foundation for bearing life’s loads.
Some of us have deeper wounds that can make trust feel treacherous and can leave us always doubting. When you try so hard and can’t get where you want to be, when doctors question your knowledge of your own body, when tragedies and trauma leave everything feeling uncertain, when you speak up about things that matter and people you care about tell you are wrong, when you have been hurt or betrayed by people or systems it can be hard to trust others, let alone yourself. You are the only one who can truly know what you need and discerning this knowledge may be the first step in reconnecting with trust.
Trust does not have to be a big leap. You don’t have to jump off the cliff to see what catches you or where you land. You can sit on the edge and look for rocks or deep water below, you can make yourself a rope ladder and begin slowly climbing down. Each time we choose to trust ourselves is an opportunity for this trust to grow.
I recently read Divergent Mind by Jenara Nerenberg, a book about ways that neurodivergence affects women and how appreciating and accommodating neurodivergence will benefit all of us. In a couple of paragraphs from a chapter on sensitivity, she references the diverse and incredible ways that animals interact with the world. Some creatures can use sonar or echolocation and whales can navigate and communicate over very long distances. There are animals that can see infrared or use different types of hearing for different sounds. Even with this incredible diversity of abilities among animals, brain differences that make humans more sensitive, hyper focused, or able to feel other people’s feelings are deemed abnormal. When there animals that can fly and breathe under water why do we have such limited ideas about how human brains and bodies can experience the world?
Beyond appreciating the possibilities and realities of human brains, this revelation made me think about how limited we are in our ideas of how we can live and learn. We’re not whales or bats or birds and we limit ourselves further by getting locked into systems and ideas that are not always beneficial. Trusting that people know what they need and working to support those needs makes the world a better place for all. If we all found more freedom to trust ourselves deeply, it would have a meaningful impact on our daily life and on the world we live in.
Warmly,
Anna